Detoxing (Written 3 Weeks Ago)

This post probably won't make sense and likely will never make a public appearance on the blog but I had to try to get it out anyway.  I feel as if I am detoxing in a way from being pregnant/giving birth.  With each pregnancy this has been a stronger feeling.  It is something I can't really explain at all except that I can't quit thinking about it/ want to remember, need to remember what happened.  To be honest I love labor and delivery, it the day I look forward to the most and love/hate the fact it is only a day.

With this pregnancy I never really thought about the fact this could be our last baby.  It wasn't something that crossed my mind really, especially at the end because I was just so uncomfortable.  It took about 2 weeks after she was born for me to realize and say to Mark "She could be our last one couldn't she?"  Why the thought had not crossed my mind until then I am not really sure, but it did.  I just want to freeze time right now, freeze her right where she is, freeze the hospital stay, freeze everything so I don't forget, so I don't take for granted.

I am so thankful we got to spend 2 days instead of 1 in the hospital.  It really gave me the time to rest (besides the vitals checking every 4 hours, that is NOT fun at 4 AM) and cuddle and just be with her. I was able to get a shower, doze on and off some, and relax which was wonderful since I had been having contractions for a couple of weeks.  I loved all the nurses I had and want to just go back and thank them for being a part of such a special time in my life.  I really just want to remember it all vividly because we could not have the opportunity to do it again.

I need to remember her newborness, how tiny she was and is, that she loves to be swaddled and cuddled, hates diaper and clothes changes, poops every diaper, grunts with the best trucker out there, and can already produce burps to rival those of her big brothers. She likes her paci only sometimes, eats every 3 hours like clockwork, looks exactly like me with my baby pictures, and is just the most precious little light in our lives.  Her brothers adore her and make sure I take care of her ("Mom, Halle Kate is crying, calm her down please.")

***

I wrote this about 3 weeks ago or so when Halle Kate was still oh so tiny.  There are still so many emotions (and hormones I am sure) that go with having a baby and there is still just this strong desire to not forget her birthday, what and how it all happened.