Which is why I had a breakdown in the car with Mark the other night, coming home from Shreveport. The pregnancy hormone stars aligned that night and I just had a super cry moment coming from the unknown and the uncertainty of all that is about to happen and change. I was telling him "What if I'm not good enough, what if I don't like it, what if we made the wrong decision for me to stay home? What if, what if, what if!" I was telling him that I wanted to be as excited as everyone else wanted me to be, but I was too scared to be. He was VERY understanding, comforting me, saying it is ok, telling me to trust in God, trust him, trust myself. So yeah I felt a little bit better and it was good to know his feelings too, that he is nervous as well (just handling it better than me).
So this brings us to yesterday when I was relaying this catastrophic breakdown to my mom and telling her how funny it must have been. I was laughing about how much I had been freaking out, and about what all I said to Mark, but at the same time I also started crying too (thank you pregnancy hormones once again) because I was still scared and unsure. So my mom, laughing with me, begin to talk to me and dispel my fears. She reminded me that I have never liked the unknown, and that is a bunch of what this is. She told me she believed in me, that I can do this, and keep a kid alive (which yes is a fear of mine, that I wont know what to do).
And for the first time this pregnancy really I began to feel ok with being pregnant. I haven't really liked it at all, and I think a major reason was because I was so scared, that I just dealt with it like it was no big deal. Um hello, have I seen my stomach, this IS a big deal! I told her I felt guilty about not liking it, and how I wanted to be more excited and couldn't, (all while laughing and crying lol), and how I just don't like it! She laughs and said, "yes but you like him, right" talking about baby Reid. I said, "Yes, but I am scared of him" and start laughing again! It was great! But for the first time it felt good to let go, to say I am scared, and to have someone say "You can do this, you're going to be great, and it will be ok!" So yeah, she definitely fulfilled her mom duty that day and helped me to feel much much better. For the first time I feel really good about being pregnant, and excited about this upcoming change in life.
So yeah, hopefully crazy pregnant lady crying and laughing spells are behind us and we can just look forward to having our precious baby boy!